Was It Already Written ?

It's going to be a day towards the end of the week and nothing much went on so far this week except it's been filled with a sad breaking story for one of my houseman colleague that she has lost her mother due to a long time unexpected lung metastasized Stage IV (end stage) of breast cancer, and thus, one of the good news this week is most of my 2004 batch mates are taking their Doctor's Hippocrates Oath. Most of 'em were from 2004's 1st cycle. Admit defeat, neither the envy nor the jealousy felt, instead sadness and gloomy come lurking knocking on my door. The lonely feeling came as unrealized accompanying me the whole week.

As I'm in my first week in my another new big department, the Obstetric & Gynecology department, despite all the rumors about all the ghorr, the horror, the cutting, the bloody show, the rising numbers of mother-fetal deaths and the despicable department which I choose not to hear or babble and which how horrify it will be I'll go through it my on way thank you very much, I noticed myself watching all the pregnant mothers and their husbands came to the routine ante natal care clinical (as we call it here 'Poli Hamil'), and suddenly I have this empty feeling roused up to my chest. Not that I'm a very feeling less, heartless and dry bitch, but I really do understand the bundle of joy and all the excitement, I mean, I do get it, I really do, but no offense, I share non of the enthusiasm and the motherhood spirit. Plus, the most important thing is I really don't have the maternal instinct. It's not and will never be well-developed in a person like me. Sorry, I've tried so hard to feel but it doesn't fit my lifestyle and yes in what my future will come.

This has makes me come to think, I'm in my late 20's (27 to the exact), not a very good childhood beginning and I had trouble going through my growing up, teenage-hood and young adulthood years, came from a very broken home and is one of the member of a very dysfunctional family. Endless conflict, I tried to seek my shelter and salvation towards having a good, normal healthy relationship with him, yes, Dr. Sean, but now, as I realized I'm not getting any younger by years, something has knocked me into my senses that how much I try too hard to be and to blend myself in that normal mediocre life track, it just won't work with a person like me. Endless conflict between me and the ones that I care for which I feel I can never write or picture it with my own words and because it's too personal, I now choose to focus in career which won't be too much pushing me into that normal life track later. However, I love what I have now with my long-time partner, but to settle down and to be tamed, I just feel it's not me at all. Ironically, since school and until now, I'm surrounded by all the normal people and my close hometown friends. They're all now happily married, settled down with kids and a very loving family and a very supporting environment which where they live in. I could never but to be happy for them. I feel their joy but still I could feel the 'things' that's what's has been making me different from all of them all these years. I guess I can't blame others or my life experience, it's just I'm ME and I'm made this way.

Same goes to friends that are graduating and moving on into the next big phase in their lives, especially in medicine world. I know being a doctor and settling down is never way too easy. It takes a lot of sacrifices and time consumptions, but however I feel there's more to it. I just have to keep looking and open my eyes wide, to rebel and to seek my own freedom. Until then I'll never rest, I'll keep on running towards the distance.

Several events happened last weekend where I spent my night at one of my girl's cribs, we talked and talked about how we cope up with our lives and studies, and we talked about this matter which I now feel a bit content about it's okay and it's alright to be outside and different from the normal life track. She advised me to embrace what I have and don't stop running to go the distance and yes, people in my life come and go, they however leave me too quickly before I could invest everything including time and emotion, so I choose to be proud of myself, and the most important thing she mentioned me was, it's okay to feel down now and to be sad and she explained why in life there are some people who's always left with only lonely feeling being left and not shared the equal love, there are reasons behind everything, maybe we're all written to be and move forward, to merge into the next biggest thing anyone could imagine. I dream of nothing big, but if this is all written for me, then I'll just have to accept the fact that I'm never way belong in that life track like most people do. I embrace it now. Thank you Princess Kas. Now everything makes sense.

Congratulations and thank you for all 2004 batch mates for you guys have always been accepting my good and my bad, all the best of luck in your next phase of life, I'll be joining your ranks soon and I can't wait until my broken wings are totally fixed and to fly far to the sky, to be among the majestic of the Universe. I'll wait and embrace it. Towards the age of my glorious freedom. Bonne chance ~